Cope or Connect

What do we do when we're overwhelmed by an atmosphere of stress? Every day, we face a barrage of circumstances that even the most resilient among us can find challenging. Recent studies suggest that older adults may handle stress better over time, but is that universally true? I’m not so sure.

During our middle years, when we’re juggling toddlers and teens, two jobs, bills, and health issues, coping can take a backseat to the demands of career, ambition, and daily life. It's a grueling phase. But as we move through our 40s and 50s—and with many of us living well into our 90s—how do we hold up against daily stressors that threaten to derail us? Will the coping skills we’ve developed along the way carry us through to a fulfilling, happy life? And how do we stay relevant and resilient as we navigate the inevitable challenges of aging?

My colleague thinks I’m overly concerned about ageism. Maybe they’re right, but I’ve witnessed too many instances of capable, wise older adults being sidelined. For example, I saw a highly competent woman executive being ignored in a high-end restaurant—especially when seated alone. Stories like this are all too common: the banker who explains an investment portfolio as if talking to a third grader; the dentist who slyly remarks, “Aren’t you retired? Why not schedule an earlier appointment?” Or the former colleague who glances over your shoulder mid-conversation, searching for someone they deem more important.

These subtle slights are more than frustrating; they’re draining. They chip away at our optimism and sense of relevance. But rather than dwell on these moments, we can take actionable steps to reflect, cope, and connect.

Reflect

Start by reflecting on your role in situations where you feel sidelined:

• Am I overly focused on sharing stories from the past?

• Do I genuinely listen to younger peers, or am I just waiting for my turn to speak?

• Am I distracted by the differences in our life experiences—or perhaps even envious?

• Are resentments or regrets seeping into my conversations?

• Do I offer unsolicited advice too often?

Experiment with New Coping Strategies

Assess your current coping mechanisms and try something new:

• Take this questionnaire - https://www.mindgarden.com/ways-of-coping-questionnaire/277-ways-report-about-me.html  to evaluate your strategies.

  • If you tend to confront situations head-on, try reappraising them in a positive way.

  • If problem-solving is your default, consider distancing yourself in certain scenarios.

  • Remember, sometimes avoidance is the most effective strategy—especially when you’re being ignored.

• Plan for activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.

Connect

Building meaningful connections is essential:

• Reconnect with yourself. Reflect on your values and priorities.

• Evaluate your relationships:

  • Which ones allow you to thrive?

  • Which ones energize you?

  • Which ones give you a sense of belonging?

  • Decide where to invest your time to build resilience.

• Explore something new—whether it’s a hobby, skill, or cause.

• Shift your focus to what truly matters, and nurture connections that add meaning to your life.

We all have the capacity to take meaningful steps—not to turn back time, but to forge deeper connections and reclaim relevance. Let’s build on our experiences, face challenges with confidence, and embrace the future with optimism. As one of my favorite books so states:

“…a good life is not a destination. It’s the path itself, and the people who are walking it with you.” Create a good life by coping effectively, building resilience, and connecting with the values and people who matter most.

PS: I am happy to walk with you feel free to connect!

https://app.practice.do/me/monica-mcgrath

www.drmonicamcgrath.com

References

1. Folkman, S., & Lazarus, R. S. (1988). Ways of Coping Questionnaire (WAYS) [Database record]. APA PsycTests. https://doi.org/10.1037/t06501-000

2. Ahmadi, A., Allahverdipour, H., Valiee, S., et al. (2023). COVID-19 stress and coping strategies among older adults: A systematic review of qualitative evidence. BMC Psychol, 11, 333. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-023-01382-1

3. Özdemir, P.A., & Çelen, H.N. (2024). Social loneliness and perceived stress among middle-aged and older adults during the COVID-19 pandemic. Curr Psychol, 43, 12198–12207. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-023-04301-0

4. Abramson, Tobi, & Braverman-Schmidt, Pamela. Generations, Volume 48, Number 1, Spring 2024, pp. 1-11(11). American Society on Aging.

5. The Good Life: Lessons From the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness. Robert Waldinger, MD and Marc Schulz, PhD